I am still fighting with my addiction. I’m clean and sober today, but with how fast things can change, I’m holding on as hard as I can. At least I’m not somewhere far away, instead I am at home. I have support from family and friends that really pray for me. I also have a friend that’s in my program doing very well. She’s not fighting alone this time either, she has me and her grandchildren to support her. For me, I just thought after all the programs that I have been in, today I have the tools I need. All I have to do is use them to succeed with my goal, which is to stay sober and clean. I keep myself busy with things like television, cooking, cleaning and working for Street Sense Media.
Don’t get me wrong, I still get thoughts of picking up and wonder how my friends are doing, what they’re doing, and if they miss me. The question is, do I miss it? No, I don’t. A drink and a drug is something that I never want to see again. It’s not an easy trick. It’s not even a good game to play. It’s real, it’s my life and I want to live it to the fullest. My partner and better half is in my corner now, thank God. I used to think he wanted me to be an alcoholic for the rest of my life because when I would say, “go get me some beer,” he would break his neck. But today it’s different. I can’t even mention beer to him without him getting a little upset. I think that he didn’t take me very seriously at first but now he knows I’m not playing with this thing, I’m really fighting. It’s because I like living and I love living clean and sober. It’s something that I never had before. It’s new to me and boy do it feel good. I love life and if you love yourself why would you keep hurting yourself?
I know some people can drink and handle it, but not me — I have the disease of alcoholism and I am an addict. I happen to get addicted to anything that I like. I overuse things, I can’t stop like normal people. I have to have it all the time. I’m the same way with sodas. I didn’t ask for this disease of mine, I was born with it. And this disease doesn’t discriminate. There are all kinds of addicts in this world. Some people won’t accept that they are an addict or might not even know. There’s the gambler, the thief, the sex addict, and many more. Anyone can be an addict no matter what color you are or where you are from. This disease doesn’t even care about your size.
The truth of the matter is we are sick individuals trying to get help in any way, form, or fashion. Some of us use because of our feelings. We hate to feel anything that doesn’t feel good to us. We use so that we don’t have to feel anything.
At first I was a follower and wanted in to hang with the “in” crowd. Then I noticed that when I got upset or hurt I could use and all my problems would go away, they would disappear. That’s what I thought, anyway. Your worries and hurt don’t disappear, they are still waiting for you to come back to where you left. Alcohol and drugs don’t solve our problems, they make worse ones for us. So today I deal with my trials and tribulations and handle them head on. I don’t run.
This is not at all easy. It takes work, very hard work. Because there’s not a day that goes by without me thinking of a nice cold beer. Seems harmless, don’t it? I used to need eight 24-ounce beers a day, every day of the week, to be satisfied. Today, I drink nothing but water and sodas. Not bragging, but I am pretty darn proud of myself.
Believe me, addiction is not your friend. It wants nothing from you but your life. And if you give it a chance, it will take it. It wants to destroy you piece by piece, inch by inch, day by day, minute by minute. It wants you to fall down and hurt yourself in so many ways.
So take it from me, don’t let addiction ruin your life. Save yourself while you can. And as my mother would say, “Straighten up and fly right.” If you are in this fight with me, till next time, stay clean and think sober.
