This article is from Street Sense’s special April Fool’s Edition.
After a long week of sharpening their homelessness survival skills, the residents of the New York Avenue Shelter took home the gold in the First Annual Homeless Olympics.
“You learn so many survival skills when you are out on the street and I am glad we were able to put them to good use. Goooooooo New York Avenue!” said shelter resident Mark McGee.
The New York Avenue clenched their golden victory after resident Jon Cheeswit beat out Open Door Shelter resident Annie Bons in the Grocery Store Sample Eating competition. Cheeswit was able to put together the most nutritionally balanced lunch from Whole Food samples by combining various bites of smoked Gouda cheese, organic tomatoes, chipotle chili and whole wheat pretzel cookies. Bons did come in close second but lost the win when she filled up on one too many free samples of cinnamon coffee cake.
While Open Door did fall short in the sample eating competition, they shattered the McDonald’s sitting competition record. Claire Stihls, was able to sit for five hours in McDonalds ordering just one cup of coffee before the manager finally kicked her out. The second place winner, from 801 East Shelter lasted only four hours.
“All you have to do is find a corner table, order a large coffee and drink it very slowly,” Stihls said. “It also helps to crumble up a few dirty napkins on your table so it appears like you just got finished eating.”
Other competitions including Dumpster Diving, Fountain Bathing, Polite Panhandling and Cardboard Box Origami.
New York Avenue’s major victory came when they edged out 801 East in Dumpster diving as resident Jon Springs was able to dive into a Dumpster and pull out five usable items in just 43 seconds, beating 801 by just one second. His items included three ink pens, a half roll of toilet paper and a half-eaten McDonald’s hamburger. However, 801 won the Fountain Bathing competition, coming out clean as a whistle, with freshly washed hair during the two minute allotted time. “I had to skip the conditioner this time, though,” said winner Donald Drain.
Even the shelters that did not take home a medal had a great time. George Brown from Gospel Rescue Mission was just thrilled to have a little fun with his the skills he learned, but that he’s going to prepare better for next year’s Homeless Olympics.
“I definitely need to do more squats and lunges for next year, and I plan to work off these love handles,” Brown said. “They definitely slowed down my Dumpster diving capabilities this year.”
