Me and My Recovery

Drawing of steaming coffee in a mug

Here I am December 16, 2019, clean and sober after years of trying so hard to quit. But this time I listened instead of doing all the talking. It’s like my husband said, “It’s elementary”.

There was something very different about this last program I engaged in that was very special to me. They taught me things I never in a million years would have thought would have worked.

For one, they told me I had to love myself first, above anybody else, including my mom. They said I had to learn to know myself all over again — as if I really knew myself at all. (Which I didn’t.) So that’s what I did. I got to know and appreciate me for who I am, regardless of my shortcomings and mistakes.

I had to not only forgive others, but forgive myself. I tell myself something everyday to make me like me again. I look in the mirror, see good in me, and cross out all the bad. I had to love me for who I was yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I did it, I learned to forgive myself for all the pain I caused myself and put myself through. I forgave myself for all the things that, at a time, could have killed me. And then I forgave myself for the pain I caused my family by doing those things to myself.

See, what I did was I learned my triggers — which include people, places, and my crazy thinking. Then I learned the opposite of them, which is my coping skills: I stay away from people that will influence me to drink; I don’t go around alcohol; and I change my way of thinking.

What I did was replace the habit I didn’t like with something else. When I thought I needed a drink, I would do something to keep myself occupied, like watch TV, go to sleep, or clean up. That’s my best coping skill, it’s what works for me.

Today, I do a lot to keep myself occupied and by the time I get home, I’m worn out. I go to groups, I keep up with my doctors appointments, I see a therapist and a psychiatrist, I visit my mom twice a week, and I sell my newspapers. And every day I still get home on time to make something to eat for me and my hubby before cleaning up a little and going to bed at a decent time.

I also learned boundaries — you have to have your boundaries. They keep you safe and out of trouble. Learning how to say “no” is not as easy as you think. It’s very difficult. You might worry about someone’s feelings, or be afraid yours will get hurt, or you might just not know how to do it. I was one of those people who just couldn’t say it. I would give the shirt off my back to someone, even if I didn’t have another one for myself.

Saying “no” doesn’t only hurt the person you’re saying it to, sometimes it hurts you. I know it hurt me sometimes. You see, some people will take total advantage of you if you let them. I was one of those victims. But I’ve learned it’s alright to keep your last for yourself. “Vennie, you can’t save everybody,” I remind myself. Boy was that hard to accept. But I didn’t have any time, any money, or any real friends. I was basically buying friendship most of the time because I was a people pleaser.

I still have empathy for others and I do love others. The difference is now I also love myself. And it’s all about saving my life. I take my recovery one day at a time. I don’t worry about tomorrow because God’s got me.

Always remember, one is too many and 1000 is never enough. I did a lot of damage to this body while drinking and drugging. But I have 10 years clean from drugs and July 22 will mark one year free of alcohol. I’m looking forward to that day. Hopefully my body will heal some. From getting drunk I’ve broken four bones. Along with that comes arthritis, which I have all throughout my body. It gives me problems walking long periods of time or up and down stairs. And I don’t sleep well at night. But I deal with the pain. I’m sober today and that’s worth it. I know that if I picked up, I would start that madness all over again.

It is liberating to confidently be able to not have a beer in your hand with everything you do day in and day out. You don’t know what it’s like, I was terrible with it. Everywhere you go, there’s alcohol. I took it to doctor appointments, to church. I was a stone cold drunk and will always be an addict. So, everyday I fight this alcoholism head on and full force.

This disease is not a joke. It’s a silent killer and people are dying everyday from it. That’s why I’m proud to stand my ground again in this battle. I’ve learned to keep positive people in my life, people who know I’m in recovery and will do nothing to mess that up or throw it down the drain. People that know how I am when I drink and are proud of my change. People that are rooting for me to win this battle and stay sober.

Even if you don’t think you have a problem, think about people that do. If you care, you’ll say something and help them along their journey — even at the risk of hurting their feelings or yours. And please wish me well on my journey — as a matter of fact, why don’t you join me?


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