When you see some people coming, your only response to them may be, “Keep it Moving.” Cheesy and Greasy are those types of characters.
Cheesy is grimy from head to toe. He lives in the Bottom, which are the projects on West 44th Street in Philadelphia. He was born the middle of six children his mother had from five different men. Cheesy never had any father figures or role models and, at an early age, he had to do whatever it took to survive. He picked pockets and shop lifted because his mom abandoned him and her behavior caused her to end up in jail.
Cheesy isn’t a Rhodes Scholar, but he has a Ph.D in B.S. and he doesn’t hide the fact that he is cheesy from anyone. When he was young, he had a cousin named Trifling. His cousin was 35 years old and lived in his mom’s basement. There, he played Nintendo and sipped on a bottle of Wild Irish Rose. He never thought of the little things, like paying rent, and would eat his Mama’s food and burn her gas and electric while sitting on the couch.
Trifling learned how to hustle to earn a couple bucks by pawning his mom’s jewelry, placing pearls in the rings while telling naïve people that the pearls were diamonds. Cheesy, like a good student, learned how to peddle from Trifling. When Cheesy was broke, he decided to rob a Cub Scout who was selling Milk Duds.
Cheesy sold the stolen candy, telling customers that the proceeds would go to rebuilding the neighborhoods. Many passersby would reach into their wallets and give Cheesy a couple bucks, causing Cheesy to realize that this was a good hustle.
Cheesy soon found a better way to hustle. He bought a clipboard so he could collect signatures and donations for the Cheesy Fund, which donated proceeds to build schools for disadvantaged children. Even though he made good money taking advantage of people’s gullibility, he still slept on Trifling’s mama’s couch. While there, hygiene still did not become part of his vocabulary. Trifling’s mama was sick of the griminess and told Cheesy, “Get your sorry black @#$ out of my house.”
Cheesy ended up sleeping on the sidewalk with some dirty clothes. He ate at a soup kitchen at a local church near City Hall. While staying at a shelter called Sunday Breakfast, he spotted s o m e b o d y h e thought looked eye-catching. The person had a wig and tight jeans. Cheesy was smitten with lust. He asked if they could go somewhere private, but it soon became apparent that the she was a he. When Cheesy found this out this out, he scurried like a rat and said, “It is not that kind of party.”
The man got mad, pulled off his wig, took off his heels and became thuggish. He said, “Square up sucker. I am going to kick the!@$# out of you.” Cheesy’s manhood got the best of him and everyone at the shelter saw him get beat up by a she who was a he.
Cheesy could not stand the humiliation and went to a shelter across town called Ridge where he got a bed, enabling him to keep his belongings at the shelter. He roomed with a man who did a stint at Trenton State Prison. His roommate was orderly and neat; his bed was always made and clothes were always pressed. Cheesy drove him crazy because he was so grimy. This man had enough and told Cheesy, “You are one cruddy cat. I can’t live like this. When I was in the penitentiary, I had the cleanest cell on the block.” Right then and there, Cheesy was in awe of this man. Cheesy said, “Man, that is something to be proud of.”
Cheesy’s bunkie was a junkie who was trying to kick his habit. “My name is Greasy,” Cheesy’s roommate said. “Everyone says I am greasy like a Pork Chop.”
“I can’t do this homeless thing,” Cheesy said. “I got to get out of here.”
“I will be your mentor on greasiness,” Greasy replied. “Go to the store and steal some Oodles of Noodles, a bottle of water and a couple bottles of gin.”
When the soup kitchens closed, Greasy would go to the microwave, get a pot of water and make a pot of noodles. Once the smell hit the rest of the shelter, the residents would come to Greasy, begging him to give them some noodles. Like the hustler he was, he would say, “If you want some noodles, cough up two bucks.” The others couldn’t resist because they were hungry. While they were eating, Greasy would grab a bottle of gin so everyone could get a whiff. Like clockwork, he put water in the cups and sold watered-down gin.
Greasy decided to let Cheesy partake in his hustle, telling Cheesy he would get a percentage of the profits. Cheesy wanted a slice of this paradise. “Sign me up. I am down with you.”
One day Cheesy spent all day running Greasy’s hustle because Greasy had other duties to do. He gave Greasy the money that he thought they would split, but Greasy took the money and said he couldn’t pay him. Cheesy knew Greasy was another sorry dude who played him for a sucker.
Cheesy was angry that Greasy did him greasily, so he decided to find a hustle on his own. He bought a carton of cigarettes and a cooler, which he filled with beer cans. Cheesy also became high-tech and bought himself a laptop. He let the shelter’s residents use his laptop for $5 an hour. Pretty soon people at the shelter realized that Cheesy offered better services than Greasy. People stopped dealing with Greasy and bought from Cheesy. His corner was the spot. Tensions began to build between Cheesy and Greasy, who would try to prevent Cheesy from using the microwave.
The boiling point occurred at the first of the month when it was payday. The hustlers lined up like bears attending a salmon run. Greasy was counting the dollar bills that were about to come into his pockets. He thought he was going to make a killing. However, Cheesy was clever because he was a hawker and a peddler. He did a shrewd promotion that day and told the shelter’s residents that if they bought cigarettes and beer, they could watch their favorite movies at a discount. Greasy was jealous and couldn’t take it.
“I’ve had it with your Cheesy @#$.” Greasy called the cops on Cheesy, who was arrested. However, Cheesy also snitched on Greasy, causing them both to get locked up for bootlegging. As they sat in jail, other hustlers found they could do what Cheesy and Greasy could do and cut into their action. The hustle disbanded. The two men became desperate and pitiful.
You can now find Cheesy and Greasy loitering in front of the liquor store from which they used to shoplift. Cheesy has a dog and acts like a homeless blind man. Unlike his cohort, Greasy has more dignity and sells hot items that he has stolen from an adult movie store.
When you see the Cheesys and Greasy’s of the world, you can’t help but to tell them, “Keep it moving.”
