Attention, readers! I’m in a work program for six months and asking for you to please write to me to send me your best advice.
I work outside on the donation line for Salvation Army from 8 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. Sometimes, 10 to 6. I’ve been here since January to work on addiction recovery. Since I turned 18, I’ve been through many programs. Now, I’m back in recovery and trying to get it right one more time.
Ninety meetings in 90 days is not as easy as it sounds. But I’m working at it and addressing my issues with addiction. I’m only human, with a lot of problems. Many have to do with mental health. Most of them are with depression because of my upbringing as a child. I dwell on the past even though I know I shouldn’t. I’ve been working so hard on trying to let go.
Now, judge me if you want. But I live every day with a lot of hate on my heart. The only way I can really release some stress is by writing to tell my Street Sense Media family what’s on my mind. I stay in my head. I like to call it deep thought. But the pressure isn’t just psychological, it’s financial. I know if I return to do what I know how to do best, MPD will have their hands full. A little monster like me, with as quick an “on” and “off” button like I’ve got — it’s easy for me to go rob a couple of people just to make my pockets right. If I return to what I know, selling good drugs, I will be PAID like no other. And if I keep trying to play good boy, I will remain broke.
I discovered this principle of my life a long time ago as a child, that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I don’t really understand myself. I’m still searching, 100%. Only facts. So, as I work to find my way, and complete this program like my PO told me to, I’m asking for your advice.
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.” — Mr. Ralph Waldo Emerson.