My journey into homelessness began around July 21, 2005. Addictions and gambling left me broke and sleeping in a gazebo on the Toms River in New Jersey. I remember it vividly. I had nowhere to go, but God was watching over me. I found angels who let me sleep in their tent in the woods, even though the mosquitoes bit me so bad I had welts all over me. I finally begged the hospital nearby to send me to an institution but they said I was too smart and sent me to a treatment center.
While I was going through my storms in life, there were people dealing with the real thing. Hurricane Dennis arrived in Florida and hit the Panhandle. Most people learn and get help when they’re drowning, and I wanted to swim upstream again. My motivation for gambling was guided by the lure of riches. I still had a job even though I was homeless; I tried to gamble my way out of homelessness. I won enough to get a room. I knew the weather was going to get cold soon and I didn’t want to sleep outside. I was battening down the hatches on the mental storm in my pathetic life, while dealing with depression and loneliness.
In late August of 2005, I went back to the treatment center, they gave me a bus ticket to Ridge Avenue in Philadelphia to a Salvation Army treatment center. I was sad, depressed and feeling sorry for myself. While I was at a thrift store getting hand-me-downs and three meals a day, Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast, The Coalition of Housing and Homeless Organizations, destroying everything in its path. Overnight, the citizens of New Orleans became refugees, trapped in their homes and the Superdome. Americans watched in great horror, as the levies broke and flooded New Orleans.
Even though I was in my own storm, I could not ignore the dead bodies floating in a once-proud city, which overnight felt as if it was a war zone in a third world country. I felt as if I was living a plush lifestyle compared to the citizens of New Orleans.
I have begun rebuilding my life, working my way out of homelessness, grumbling, and complaining about how cruel and unfair life can be. I don’t have the job, the car or the girlfriend I desire. I still stay around people who can irritate me. Sometimes my grandiosity and arrogance make me believe I am unique and a cut above the level of my roommates. I watch TV and play video games, and then just mingle with my roommates.
I couldn’t see so much of how my actions contributed to my situation because I was only concerned about me. I wasn’t letting God bless me because I was always complaining about my life. Then on January 13, 2010, my whole perspective of life changed. I turned on the news and saw the images of Haiti. I saw how their country looked like a bombsite. I saw people without food, dead bodies piled up like mountains and the widespread threat of disease. I thought of many of the Haitian families I knew who had relatives there.
I also saw people risk their lives volunteering to pull people from the rubble and doctors leave their practice to go and treat people in Haiti. I turned from feeling ungrateful to grateful, by getting on my knees and praying to God. All the worldly possessions I desired became a moot point. I realized that God had me where he wanted me, but I also came to know it could have been much worse. I thought I was suffering but soon realized from seeing the suffering of others, I wasn’t suffering at all. I had focused on the wrong things in life: status, wealth, beautiful women, and having a rich personable life.
Jeffery McNeil has been a Street Sense vendor for 4 years and frequently writes about his struggle with alcoholism and homelessness, and he recently found housing.
